Thursday, December 28, 2006

A New Year's Eve Warning

We've all done it at some point. Called up a friend or an ex or a significant other while completely wasted. The thing is, sometimes you leave evidence. Sometimes you get the voice mail or the answering machine and your better judgement who was sitting next to you three drinks ago is now passed out on the floor so you leave a message. Everyone else is going to warn you about drunk driving but not me, I assume my readers know better. I'm here to warn you off of the phone this New Year's Eve and I'll do it with these two stories:

Only once before had this happened to me and it was a doozie. At a party at a friend's house, the first time I had been out to really have a good time since my son was born, my friends made it their mission to get me so blitzed I didn't even know what country I was in. After several rounds of a drinking game and an entire bottle of tequila between the six of us, I called Red Todd Kidd to tell him I wasn't going to make it home (the designated driver had literally had tequila poured down his throat Tijuana style) and could not figure out why he didn't pick up the phone. You see I called his work number. I actually left an incoherant message while someone whom I'd nicknamed Paddy McMick (I had jumped him into my gang* and that was his gang name, it's another story for another day) was singing Tura Lura Lural at the top of his lungs in the background. I have no idea what I said in this message but true to his awesome nature, Red Todd Kidd has never given me a hard time about the incident. I however, have never stopped giving a hard time to The Single Letter (the planned designated driver) over his two famous quotes** of the night, or the fact that when we did leave the next morning I had to drive.

My second drunk dialing incident happened in November at Edina's birthday party (you may know her as belely from the knittyboard). We were out at a restaurant and ended up waiting for several hours for everyone to show up, by which point we had had many drinks and no food. Edina had had twice as many drinks as anyone else since it was her birthday we were all ordering them for her. It began to look like she wasn't going to make it through the party. So we started a pool on when she was going to lose it, and by "it" I mean her lovely dinner of tequila and whatever that peach stuff was. Right now I know you're thinking, "So that's what she's like in real life, what a bitch!" Well, yeah kinda, but it was all in fun and I rarely go out like this so cut me some slack.

Anyway, a few days later I check my voicemail and I get this message:

Later on when Edina asks why she took a picture of Lucky*** it's because she said, "This is a picture of Lucky losing," after she threw _____ at him because we took bets on when she was going to throw up and he said she owed him ____ [expletive deleted] dollars and [expletive deleted] Napolean _________ [expletive deleted] ___________ and now I've drunk dialed myself.

At first I'm baffled as to who the hell it is and the third time through the message I realize it's me. It took four more run throughs to figure out what the heck I was saying. Then I had to call up Edina and tell her about it so we could laugh our asses off. I don't know if the message would be funnier or less funny without the garbled indechipherable sections but without a CSI unit to enhance the recording, I'll never know.

I've been waiting to tell this story until Edina sent me the picture in question but I'm beginning to think she never will so I'm just going to post this with old pictures of the persons in question (the ones I chose are one of Edina and Red Todd Kidd from like two years ago because it's cute and one of Lucky with Darth and Lola Beans because it will make you wonder why I let him around the kids, it kinda looks like Lola is flipping him off, and lastly because my first pair of hand knitted socks ever are in the pic) and update you with the real pics (and a bonus pic of Lucky wearing his boxers outside his pants a la Madonna from last weekend) when I finally get them. Because I'm sure they'll be hilarious.

*In high school a friend of mine declared that I was the leader of a gang. She called this gang Sarah's Gang or SG. She ran around for a long time punching people and telling them they had been jumped into my gang and then giving them rediculous gang names. Years later Edina and I revived this tradition just for the hell of it at a party one night. It went on for another two years after that.

** Quote 1: Not my boots! Without my boots how can I be southern!? Quote 2: Roll me over, that's how Hendrix went out!

***The heretofore only unnicknamed member of my real life friends, has now been dubbed Lucky Champagne for blogging purposes due to his penchant for Lucky cigarettes and Miller High Life. I know it's a lame nickname but that's why it works.

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

On a roll

Sometimes you hit your stride. I didn't think I'd finish my Christmas knitting letalone another project (however small). But here it is, another project. I whipped up this little sucker mostly yesterday. It's the Spiral Rib Bag from One Skein (it's not one of the patterns you can see on the viewable pages). Mine is knit up in some Colinette ribbon yarn (they show the color better than I can!) that I had no idea what I'd ever use it for. I had two substantial skeins of it at one point but gave the nice one away to an SP. So then I was left with this other skein of beautiful, expensive yarn I couldn't throw out but also couldn't untangle. After something like four hours one day (I had to lock the cat in the bathroom because she, having never done anything like it before, decided that the umbrella swift was her nemesis and that it had to be destroyed) managed to turn that tangled skein into three small balls. Then I was faced with what to do with them. For well over a year they've been in a box, almost a little bag, almost a small scarf, almost, almost, almost. Then I came across this pattern and thought, maybe.

As it turned out I couldn't get gague with it. The width was right but the rows were about half what they should be, or so I thought. So instead of doing the pattern 1 1/2 times I did it twice and enede up with a taller bag, go figure. I went crazy with the I-cord last night and ended up with a good 10 extra inches of that too. Good thing too, it still seems short to me.

All in all it's a nice little gift for someone when I'm unprepared later this month. I think it may actually go to Darth's Teacher at the end of this week. Though, Edina would like it. I have enough yarn left that I might be able to make a second one. If not, the bottom is knit last so I could use a different yarn for that or felt a disk to sew on or something. I should line it but you all know how I feel about sewing. Meh!

What next? Um... I'm thinking I'd like to try to knit a sweater for a friend of mine now that Knit Picks has a superwash available. I'm thinking Durrow which I'm totally in love with. I wonder if I have the staying power for a whole sweater. I seem to be getting better at finishing things but there's a Harry Potter scarf under my bed that says otherwise. The thought of trying to finish that makes me want to cry. Or throw up. Or both.

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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Christmas letter

As a remedy for the bragfest letters your family will be sending you, here's a little something from La Casa de la Overlord.

Dear You,

2006 is coming to a close and so I find it's time to sum it up painfully in a month by month letter that no one really wants to read but feels obligated to anyway.

January found me trying to write a serial that I only ever posted a few chapters of before the obligation bogged me down and I quit. I quit a lot of things in January. That was the theme. While others were resolving to make their lives better and brighter I wallowed in the failure of never completing anything. Then I threw away all my shoes and unfinished objects and got over myself.

In February I resolved to lose some poundage. I lost 10 lbs this year (I gained 12). It was a month of mixed emotion as I finally finished a few projects and then (in an unrelated incident) almost died. Yeah, that blew.

March roared in like a lion (as the saying goes), an old friend visited us, I made an adorable stuffed alien for his kid, and much SP goodness was to be had. Oh yeah, and I tricked Tonka into eating marmite flavored crackers. I know some of love that Marmite but for me it's just a great practical joke. The face he made when the swell of flavor rose from the back of his throat (which is where you really start to taste the marmite) was just priceless. I'll treasure the memory always.

My birthday rolled around in April, as it seems to do every year around that time, and I was flustered by Crumpets, the pattern from hell. I spent most of the month fighting with it before finally giving up and giving the yarn away. I started my first pair of adult sized socks that month too.

May saw me finish my Jaywalkers which I don't think my MIL has ever worn. I also threw Miss Beans a birthday party that she slept through because she was sick. Oh, and I accidently pinched a nerve in my hand that left my thumb numb for well over a month. I did have some success with a really cute Kate variation that Miss Beans actually plays with now and again.

Summer vacation came to vex me in June but I coped. I decided to make cloth diapers to help get Miss Beans ready to use the potty embarking on a months long journey into dispair. We had some fun that month taking Darth to his first county faire. My sister graduated from college. I completely fell off of the diet wagon. I slacked off like summer always sees me do.

July was a hard month, I found out a good friend from my youth had died of cancer a year before and no one had told me. The diaper making process really got on a roll and I was feeling like I worked in a sweatshop. I dove into cooking and started thinking of going to the local culinary acadamey (see, there are things about me you don't know). I cut off all my hair after growing it out for three years. RTK and I had some troubles but got through.

In August I was really ephing busy. I got the diapers finished. I learned to crocet an edging. I gave up and enrolled Darth in the local school's kindergarten even though we were supposed to be moving any second.

September was the start of my baby boy's first year of real school. Also I started writing erotica and realized my writing style is more informative than flowery. I dropped the erotica pretty completely by November.

October is always one of my favorite months but this year I was pretty down. I cheered myself up with a new tattoo and later elevated my masochism to new heights with cake decorations. I discovered there was a travesty worse than the Overalls of Shame.

Last month I started my Christmas projects fully expecting not to finish even half of what I planned but somehow I surprised myself and actually hunkered down and got it ALL done. I'm actually doing a bit of extra now since it's all gravy from here.

When all is said and done this year was mostly pretty bad. It was a hard year emotionally and a lot of really bad things happened. I'm glad it's nearly over both literally and figuratively. As Lewis Black said, there really isn't any such thing as years, time is something we made up so it really doesn't matter, it's all basically the same thing over and over. But I'm hopeful that next year is going to be better. I've learned in this year full of crap that I can put up with a lot more than I thought. That I can be more patient. That I can let things go. I generally don't do any of that but I can and next year I'm going to. I've also seen that I can finish what I start and I intend to do more of that. It really won't take much effort to have a better year than 2006 and I'm ready to make a minimal effort! Woo-hoo for minimal effort!

Merry Solstichramadahanukwanzaa and a Happy New Year (and a belated one to our Jewish friends),

Thursday, December 07, 2006

That Damn Christmas Meme

I give in.

NAME: Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fana Bo Besca III

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate. I have a hot chocolate maker. I have my own recipe. I am a crazy.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Santa only brings things that fit inside a Christmas stocking. All the big presents come from Mom and Dad because no fictional fat man is taking credit for my work. But I'm not bitter.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? My Christmas decorations are in storage. I honestly don't recall what kind of lights are on the tree. I do know that we had the red and green only strands up in my living room, though.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? We have a fake mistle toe ball at my mom's house that no one is required to kiss under. At Red Todd Kidd's parents' house they hang mistletoe over the spot in the kitchen that gets the most traffic. I am not thrilled with this tradition.

5. When do you put your decorations up? I like to do it the first weekend of December.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? RTK's family does pork tenderloin with biscuts and gravy. I like it.

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: The year the Christmas play at church had my cousin had to be a giant popcorn ball. That or the year that my sister's part in the play required an English accent and the best she could muster was Austrailian. I still remember her line, say it in your head like Crocodile Dundee if you can. "Hey ole chaps, this town is mine! Look, there's me house and me mum standin' outside. This is jolly old England, it is!" Stereotype city, I know, but I bet you're cracking up.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? When I was seven years old my mom married my step dad (in October). That year Santa labeled all my Christmas presents with the name Sarha instead of Sarah, just like Dad.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I don't think so.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Uh, you take the decorations out of the boxes and put them on the tree, what are you? New or something?

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? What is this snow you speak of?

12. Can you ice skate? Believe it or not I can.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Uh, is it really sad that I can't remember a favorite? The Nintendo back in '88? The Cabbage Patch Kid of '83? Perhaps the Lexie Barnes bag from last year? Honestly, I can't pick out something that just made me swoon.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Cookies.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? See above. Or maybe fudge. I do like fudge.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? I suppose I could say the cookies again but really it's the horrible gift exchange that begat the Overalls of Shame and now the Velvet Painting Purse.

17. What tops your tree? I forgot what we have for our tree. Clearly it holds great sentimental value. Though, when my parents were first married they had this tree topper that wasn't anything. It was just a weird light up thing that sat on the top of the tree. It was hideous. When we moved in 1998, I found it and put it away in my things thinking it'd be funny to swap it out with the really nice angel Mom has now and just make her flip out. Last year, I finally got around to doing it. It was pretty funny since I hid the angel and then we left for Arizona for several days.

18. Which do you prefer giving or receiving? What kind of question is this? Get you mind out of the gutter, we're supposed to be talking about Christmas!

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I like The Carol of the Bells. It's fun to belt out O Holy Night when no one is around.

20. Candy Canes? Of course. You have to suck on them until you've sharpened them to a point so you can menace your siblings with a slobery, candy weapon.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Yes, we have no bananas.

The conversation I just witnessed, to preface, Lola wanted a banana for breakfast and was told they were all gone.

Darth: I'm gonna tell you a joke Lola, okay?
Lola: Okay.
Darth: Knock-knock.
Lola: Who's there?
Darth: Banana.
Lola: No Darth, bananas all gone!
Darth: No, you say, "Banana who?"
Lola: Okay.
Darth: Knock-knock.
Lola: Who's there?
Darth: Banana.
Lola: Banana who?
Darth: Knock-knock.
Lola: Who's there?
Darth: Banana.
Lola: No! Bananas all gone!

I can't wait until they learn "Who's on First".

So anyway, things are chugging along here. I finished the dishcloths, the scarf, and my mom's necklace badge holder thingy. All that's left is the last half of SIL's second glove and a cup warmer for her boyfriend. I am so close. I wonder what disaster lurks just ahead to confound and destroy me. A plague of moths, perhaps? Our state breaking off the continent and drifting away into the Pacific? The zombie uprising I've been dreading for so long? I can't say what it will be but I know it's coming. It lurks outside my view in wait of the time when I cast off that last project to smite me. I know it.


In other news:

I bought Mason-Dixon Knitting and returned it. I love it, I can't recommend it enough. I just needed that $30 more. I'll buy it when I have a 40% off coupon for Michael's. I don't know why but for the last couple years I've been compelled to make rugs. I haven't given in just yet but Mason-Dixon makes me really want to give in. Really.

I'm rushing through the last of the holiday knitting so I can attempt my first crochet project. A little purse in One Skein. The rectangle one for those who have the book. I don't know why I'm so in love with it but I actually bought a hook. I promise I won't go over to the dark side, you all know how much I hate to crochet.

Lastly, I realize that there are only 14 dishcloths on the tree. That's because I already gave my mom hers.

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